Talk in the
Affirmative
by
by
Luster Chauncey
No one benefits from being told what NOT to do. If you have a suggestion, tell the person
what to do! Talk in the
affirmative. Way of being: EMPOWERING.
Communications Skills for Home, Work,…Life.
I was texting my friend who was working out in the gym, but still not
seeing the results he wanted to see. He
said he was fat. I said, “You really
aren’t. I can see the work. Imagine if
you weren’t going to the gym at all?!"
Then I was about to tell him that if he didn’t watch the foods he ate he
wasn’t going to see the results as quickly.
With all the love in the world, I was really trying to be helpful. As I was typing, I felt that he would feel
the need to respond as though I was criticizing how he was eating. I was sending the message via text in the
negative. I was telling him what he
shouldn’t do. So, I change the message
and said, “If you watch what food you eat, it will be easier to see the
effort you are putting into the workouts.”
It took me no time to rearrange the message to consider that he is
somewhat watching what he is eating, and to acknowledge his efforts in the
gym. His response…, “Thanks. I know.
I need self control.” Now, I have
no honest way of knowing if his response would have been any different if I
sent the original message. What I do
know is how differently I would have received the original message opposed to the message I sent if it were sent to me. I
immediately connected the experience to the next piece of my connection to
living in the affirmative by communicating in the affirmative.
Everything points to healthier, happier, more hopeful, and
helpful people when life affirms them and that to which they are
connected. Nurturing is steeped in
acceptance. Acceptance is
affirmation. Love is affirmation. Pain, can
be affirmation…when it’s nestled in love.
I consciously live in a constant state of affirmation. Consciously,
because I am still in a place where I get to remind myself to live in
affirmation. I am not always being
affirming, but I remind myself of my commitment to being affirming. It is a place I am perfectly willing to
remain if necessary because the more I live this way, the more I feel
empowered, whole, joyful, and capable. I
even feel sexier. More importantly, I am
empowering, loving, and acknowledging people.
None of this suggests that I am smiling all day, or avoiding
conflict. Love requires truth,
perseverance, and commitment. Sometimes
love calls for me to be committed to speaking truth, even, as the old saying
goes, the truth hurts. My consideration
is only the truth. Trusting the truth is
affirmation. Trusting the truth, allows
for true things to come of it. I am free
to decline truth when it does not harm others and I am acting honorably as I
know it. For example, you might ask,
I would decline to tell the truth about the potato salad at my friend’s
mother’s house that the mother made, which is…that I didn’t like it because it
had too many peas in it and was too salty, and otherwise bland…unless, of
course, my friend asked me. However, I
would NOT tell the mother the truth, AT ALL!
I would do my best to stay honest, at the same time avoiding having to
answer the question. If asked if I liked
the potato salad, I would say yes because I actually did like that she gave me
potato salad…it was nice of her. If she
asked if it taste good, I might have said, “thanks so much, I really enjoyed
myself!” All THE TRUTH! When in doubt, let it out…the truth does set you free. The truth is affirmation. Freedom is the ultimate affirmation.
So, how do we communicate in the affirmative without being
fake and dishonest?
First, we commit to living in the affirmative. We commit before we know how so that we do
what is required for getting there. It
is not a think about it-done way of
living. If you have been living in a
doubtful, fearful, closed, angry, disconnected way you might get to work at living
in the affirmative for a while. Maybe even forever!
Whenever I mention forever,
there is a disconnect. Some people immediately assume they can’t do
it if they have to work at it forever.
What they aren’t realizing is that they already have to work at being
all the other ways they have been being.
The only difference is that they are more familiar with those ways of
being. They are comfortable there. My offer is that just like we became familiar
with those ways of being that we are comfortable working from: doubt, fear,
anger, disconnect, that we can become comfortable working from the places of
affirmation: love, truth, empowerment…freedom.
After we commit to living in the affirmative, we seek and
connect to the things that will guide us toward affirming self first; for one
that may be therapy, for another starting a long desired career. We come to living in the affirmative by being
conscious of other ways of being in our responses, actions, and
thoughts…basically, our communication…with self and others.
In my English classes, I teach my students how to have “accountable
talk” conversations. These conversations
call for the speakers to speak in reference to themselves. For instance, instead of telling someone that
I think their opinion about something is wrong, I would tell them that I disagree. My disagreeing doesn’t mean that they are
wrong, yet it satisfies my truth while it doesn’t negate the other persons
opinion or perspective. Disagreeing is affirmation.
If what we say is what we manifest, and I believe it is,
then we want to manifest in the affirmative.
Saying “I will not lose” is not the same as saying “I will win.” “I will not lose” may manifest in my choosing
not to play…then I can’t win or lose. On
the other hand, saying “I will win” becomes my declaration to play to win.
The bottom line of this all is, we create the experience we
have in life and aid in the experiences of others. We have a choice: create in the affirmative
or in the negative. I choose the affirmative because I choose empowerment,
possibility, acceptance and love.
