How often do you find yourself saying, What I meant to say
was…?
Human beings don’t hear what you meant to say;
we only hear what you
said.
The best way for me to ensure that
people understand me is to be clear in my communication; that means take a second,
reach into the knowledge I have accumulated, and be intentional with the words
I choose before I speak. Now, the practice is automatic and quick, and people don’t usually notice that I'm thinking about what I'm going to say. Regardless of whether they
know I am thinking or not, my experience is that we all appreciate thoughtfulness.
Since my first blog, I’ve been
thinking a lot about a practical way to guide others to understand how to develop a habit of talking in the
affirmative. So, I ‘ve been
intentionally listening to myself and paying attention to my communication
habits, as well as observing and discussing other people’s communication
habits. What I discovered is that
developing a habit of talking in the affirmative requires, first, that I am
honest. Regardless of the feelings that
may arise, affirmative talk can only come from a willingness to say exactly how
I feel about any situation. I will
communicate my feelings from a place of love and with as little judgment as
possible, and I will be clear about my choice of words. After committing to being honest, I commit to
saying what I mean and meaning what I said. What I need to fulfill this commitment is to accept
my feelings, be honest in my communication, and choose to be loving, forgiving,
considerate, accepting, open, and/or trusting when I am communicating.
Mean what you say, and say what you mean…or reflect on what you said
that you didn’t mean.
I became clear about this part of
the practice of talking in the affirmative after a discussion I had with a
friend who described somewhere he spends a lot of time as a miserable fucking place.
When I questioned why it was miserable to him, he said that he didn’t
mean miserable; he then went on to
describe his feelings by saying, “it’s not that bad, it’s just that…” I
interjected because, before he got off on a tangent, I wanted to focus him on
his choice of words: a miserable fucking
place. Again he said he didn’t mean miserable. However, after finally getting him to focus
on the words he chose, he realized they were no accident. He really did mean them. He was afraid of being honest; fearing that
it would make him sound ungrateful.
However, it was in his discovering that he did experience the place
miserably that he was able to honestly reflect on why. We discussed why, identified his part in the why, and enacted a declaration for him
to be the difference by opening up in the space. Resolution, peace, joy, trust and
authenticity can only come from the willingness to be clear and intentional in one’s
communication.
Talk in the affirmative: Say what you mean!
