Teach in the Affirmative: The Connected Lesson

As the new school year fastly approaches, I have decided to dedicate one more post to the educators of the world, but as usual, the concept applies beyond the classroom and children.  Being connected through any conversation is required for the conversation to be clear.  It is responsible of a good communicator that they leave the conversation with clarity.

Teach in the Affirmative

An educators' guild to Talk in the Affirmative in the Classroom.

The Connected Lesson

Teachers, stay connected the entire way through a lesson.  No matter what, make sure you find a good place to end a lesson; time it, even.  The end of your lesson is almost as important as the beginning of your lesson.  Even the kids who are distracted [Note how I avoid saying “…kids who don’t listen”. TITA] may have gotten enough, or may be drawn in by those who did ‘get’ the lesson, to connect to the lesson if you end it effectively.  If you rush through any moment of the lesson, you have disconnected before knowing that your kids have connected.  If you have to be late for lunch or if you have to rush to your next class, do that before you disconnect from the lesson. If you disconnect from the lesson, so will the kids; the kids will disconnect from you too.

A way to have a successfully connected end to your lesson is to look the kids in the eyes and ask them if they got the lesson.  Attempt to visually connect with each of them.  Have some of the kids attempt to give an overview of the lesson. [Note: Requires a modeling of an “overview”.]  Occasionally, but not often (not as a trick but as a technique), ask a kid that you know says he ‘got it’, but is just saying he ‘got it’ in order to “look good”, to give an explanation of the lesson.  Instead of making it an embarrassing moment for the kid when he reveals that he did not ‘get it’, make it an opportunity to forward the kid. I might say, “I really thought you knew the answer and were being honest.  It takes away from everyone else when you do that, someone who really got it could have answered it and we could be getting on with the lesson. That’s being selfish.”

Forwarding the kid with the way of being and what to do is affirmative and gives him and the other students a direction. Telling the student what not to do is in the negative and takes away from focus.  Once I tell a kid what to do in a situation, I give him or her time to develop the understanding and skill.  How to be is as much a skill to learn as how to multiply!

Teach in the Affirmatve: The Issue With "I Love You"

Teach in the Affirmative

An educators' guild to Talk in the Affirmative in the Classroom.

THE ISSUE WITH "I LOVE YOU"

Although the following post originated as a message to teachers, I came to realize how much it applies to all relationships.

I recently had a conversation about the phrase “I love you” in regards to teachers connecting with students.  A friend said, “Some kids just need to hear someone say I love you,” regarding what some students need in order to get them to want to listen and learn in school.  It got me thinking about my students, and then it got me thinking about my life.  I am clear that the effect of the phrase “I love you” to a child is dependent on how a child is indoctrinated to receive the phrase.  I know for a fact that many of my kids, as well as I, had people in our lives tell us that they love us.  For some children “I love you” means: I nurture you, protect you, support you, provide for you, and guide you.  For others, it means: I beat you when you annoy me, I yell at you for your curiosity, I abandon you when I get tired, or I call you names when I am angry.

“I love you,” is subjective.  Hence, the phrase is unclear.  What may be more forwarding to a student than “I love you” are phrases that are less subjective and provide more insight.  Phrases such as “I appreciate you”, “I enjoy you”, “I respect you”, and “I am grateful for you” are esteem builders.  These phrases, followed by a reason why you appreciate, enjoy, respect, or are grateful for the student forwards the student by giving him or her information that may encourage them to develop the trait or quality. 

In no way am I saying that as teachers we should not tell our students that we love them.  I most certainly do tell my kids that I love them.  However, I establish a connection with them first.  They cannot comprehend how someone who does not know them can love them.  Nothing we say to them matters if at first we have not established a connection.

Teach in the Affirmative: Connecting

As a teacher, I work hard to apply the practice of Talk in the Affirmative in my classrooms.  As I create posts about the practice, what happens in my classrooms becomes examples of how it is successful.  Organically, Teach in the Affirmative came to mind as a way to provide insight to educators about applying the practice in their own classrooms.  Please share your feedback and share the posts!

Welcome to the first installment of...

Teach in the Affirmative

An educators' guild to Talk in the Affirmative in the Classroom.

CONNECT IN THE AFFIRMATIVE

It is safe to say that after my first full year teaching, I had some pretty great successes.  Particularly in regards to classroom management (student behavior), and state testing results (all of my 8th graders passed the state ELA exam).  As these successes are shared, other educators ask me, "How did you do it?" or "What did you do?"  There is no one thing, and it is challenging to come up with one thing to share, but I am certain that CONNECTING with my students was a major factor...connections undergirded by LOVE.

The first and most important step to connecting in any circumstance (granted sight is present) is to look your kids in the eyes, each of them, and make sure they know that you see them.  Show no fear of them.  They are lambs at their best and we can help them experience themselves at their best, especially if nobody else is helping them in that way.  I believe, it is more about being someone they can want to BE like, than trying so hard to “guide” them to be any particular way. 

Most will respond to love, kindness, generosity, listening, talking, encouragement, a smile, or a compliment. Most of the kids will be able to connect with the majority of the adult population if they are connected with FIRST.  They are not taught to be or comfortable with being the lead in a situation with an adult, no matter how “grown” they act.

Most often they learned what they do from their intimate community.  It is not WRONG if it is accepted in my community, would make sense for them to believe.  We get to present alternatives and options and choices in an attractive way; opposed to judgmentally.  The kids have to connect with why they are learning something.  There is always a reason we are teaching or doing something and we need to be clear on those reasons.  If there is another state test after a series of state tests, I may say to my students, “I think you have tested enough as well (connecting with them), still it is a requirement and could work against you if you choose not to do it or if you choose to do it with little to no effort, so give it your best and just get it over with, please."

The world please goes a long way. When we use “good” words, kids want to be “good”.  Some words they learned, as they were very little, that are “good” are please, thank you, pretty, cute, kind, nice, smart, fun, humorous (opposed to funny), and cool.  There is no guarantee that anything will work with everyone.  Our individuality is as varied as our DNA.  There may be those kids who have serious psychological issues, or who have immense disregard for the rights of others to learn and feel safe, they must be dealt with accordingly.  We must fight like hell to make sure this is a great exception!

Whatever we say to our kids must be intentional.  We must be able to explain what we say and do.  What way of being do we need to be able to explain? CLARITY!  We need to be clear as to why.  If we are not intentional and are perhaps reactionary, our responses must be authentic and we must be ready and willing to explain our reactions in relation to life.  For example, if a child pushes my button so far that I react by saying, “I don’t care what you do” which is probably true in the moment, but obviously not completely true, I will explain that this is what happens in life when someone is trying to help you.  “If you continue to be dismissive, disruptive, destructive, etc., people in your life will eventually throw up their hands.”  If we tell our kids we don’t care what they do, we are, in their minds, telling them that we don’t care about them.  To a child, as with most adults in my experience working with adults, often what he or she does is a direct reflection of who he or she is.  As educators we are in a great position to teach our kids that they get to make a choice in what they do; who they are!

Question in the Affirmative: I do that because...

A Place of Inquiry

When we talk in the affirmative, we are operating from a place of inquiry.  That is a place where we question everything we think, say, or do until we have a workable reason why.  It is responsible to know why we make our choices.  It is an exhilarating process to be actively involved in our choices, opposed to “conditioned” to making them.  In fact, you may discover that you actually love the choice you have always made, and now you will be aware of it as a choice and have an appreciation for the choice.  In that appreciation is power!  This is the process of deconditioning, as I termed it many years ago when I began the process.   

As you become more clearly aware of yourself and your principles, the sooner you are clear on the choices you make for everything.  Even if that choice is trusting without reason, for those of us who are spiritual or religious.  I never disconnect from anyone’s challenge of my choices.  It helps me remain connected to the choices if they are solid and continue to fit within my vision for how I want the world to be.  If I learn something that causes me to shift in my choices, which has happened, based on information I get from another person, then I am grateful for the growth and guidance in the “right” direction.  I often connect even more with those who will stand and challenge me.

When my choices are challenged, I will state my reasoning, assuming I have one.  (If I have no reason that is a problem in itself!)  Often others feel that their choices are challenged when I remain clear on my reasoning and it remains different from theirs.  This is sometimes the case, especially if I am in any sort of direct relationship with the person.  (The place of inquiry includes questioning others as well.)  Many times, I am just passionately clear on why I made my choice, with no intent in challenging another’s choices.  However, whether I am in a direct relationship with a person or not, I am usually curious about others’ choices and why they choose what they choose, especially, but not exclusively, if they different from mine. Whenever I am resolute about my choice, it is because I have actively chosen it.  If the person shares information that inspires me to choose to shift my choice to something that serves me in creating the world I want to live in, I am grateful to them.  If not, they may choose to shift.  If not, we can respectfully agree to have differing perspectives, no judgment, nor malice…on my part.

So, the question that guides them all, in that place of iquiry, becomes, “How do I want the world to be?”  The choices I make, and the questions I ask myself to discover the choice to make will all be based on that question.  If I want the world to be filled with people who have joy in their lives, then I get to make choices that will serve joy.  I could tell a restaurant server that his service was awful in a way that forwards him to do better or I could make the situation miserable for him.  Making it miserable will not contribute to what I want in the world, if it is joy.  It is my part in creating joy…an important part; the only part that I can contribute which would be missing if I withheld it.  A part that I may never even see how it affects the world through the person with whom I consciously chose the way I am going to be with, instead of being reactionary without choosing in that moment.  

Talk in the affirmative requires a willingness to be in a place of inquiry.  Willingness to question your choices, and to question, with the intent of forwarding or being forwarded, the choices of others’, especially those with whom you are in relation.  It is in a place of inquiry that we focus on the “what is wanted” opposed to “what isn't wanted”…forwarding! 

How do I want to the world to be?

Who do I want to be in the world?

What choices do I make in order to have those turn out?

Question in the Affirmative!

What I meant to say was...

How often do you find yourself saying, What I meant to say was…?

Human beings don’t hear what you meant to say; 

we only hear what you said.

The best way for me to ensure that people understand me is to be clear in my communication; that means take a second, reach into the knowledge I have accumulated, and be intentional with the words I choose before I speak.  Now, the practice is automatic and quick, and people don’t usually notice that I'm thinking about what I'm going to say.  Regardless of whether they know I am thinking or not, my experience is that we all appreciate thoughtfulness. 

Since my first blog, I’ve been thinking a lot about a practical way to guide others to understand how to develop a habit of talking in the affirmative.  So, I ‘ve been intentionally listening to myself and paying attention to my communication habits, as well as observing and discussing other people’s communication habits.  What I discovered is that developing a habit of talking in the affirmative requires, first, that I am honest.  Regardless of the feelings that may arise, affirmative talk can only come from a willingness to say exactly how I feel about any situation.  I will communicate my feelings from a place of love and with as little judgment as possible, and I will be clear about my choice of words.  After committing to being honest, I commit to saying what I mean and meaning what I said.  What I need to fulfill this commitment is to accept my feelings, be honest in my communication, and choose to be loving, forgiving, considerate, accepting, open, and/or trusting when I am communicating.

Mean what you say, and say what you mean…or reflect on what you said that you didn’t mean.

I became clear about this part of the practice of talking in the affirmative after a discussion I had with a friend who described somewhere he spends a lot of time as a miserable fucking place.  When I questioned why it was miserable to him, he said that he didn’t mean miserable; he then went on to describe his feelings by saying, “it’s not that bad, it’s just that…” I interjected because, before he got off on a tangent, I wanted to focus him on his choice of words: a miserable fucking place.  Again he said he didn’t mean miserable.  However, after finally getting him to focus on the words he chose, he realized they were no accident.  He really did mean them.  He was afraid of being honest; fearing that it would make him sound ungrateful.  However, it was in his discovering that he did experience the place miserably that he was able to honestly reflect on why.  We discussed why, identified his part in the why, and enacted a declaration for him to be the difference by opening up in the space.  Resolution, peace, joy, trust and authenticity can only come from the willingness to be clear and intentional in one’s communication.

Talk in the affirmative: Say what you mean!

Talk in the Affirmative...The Introduction

Talk in the Affirmative
by

Luster Chauncey

No one benefits from being told what NOT to do.  If you have a suggestion, tell the person what to do! Talk in the affirmative.  Way of being: EMPOWERING.

  

Communications Skills for Home, Work,…Life.

I was texting my friend who was working out in the gym, but still not seeing the results he wanted to see.  He said he was fat.  I said, “You really aren’t. I can see the work.  Imagine if you weren’t going to the gym at all?!"   Then I was about to tell him that if he didn’t watch the foods he ate he wasn’t going to see the results as quickly.  With all the love in the world, I was really trying to be helpful.  As I was typing, I felt that he would feel the need to respond as though I was criticizing how he was eating.  I was sending the message via text in the negative.  I was telling him what he shouldn’t do.  So, I change the message and said, “If you watch what food you eat, it will be easier to see the effort you are putting into the workouts.”  It took me no time to rearrange the message to consider that he is somewhat watching what he is eating, and to acknowledge his efforts in the gym.  His response…, “Thanks.  I know.  I need self control.”  Now, I have no honest way of knowing if his response would have been any different if I sent the original message.  What I do know is how differently I would have received the original message opposed to the message I sent if it were sent to me.  I immediately connected the experience to the next piece of my connection to living in the affirmative by communicating in the affirmative.

Everything points to healthier, happier, more hopeful, and helpful people when life affirms them and that to which they are connected.  Nurturing is steeped in acceptance.  Acceptance is affirmation.  Love is affirmation.  Pain, can be affirmation…when it’s nestled in love.

I consciously live in a constant state of affirmation.  Consciously, because I am still in a place where I get to remind myself to live in affirmation.  I am not always being affirming, but I remind myself of my commitment to being affirming.  It is a place I am perfectly willing to remain if necessary because the more I live this way, the more I feel empowered, whole, joyful, and capable.  I even feel sexier.  More importantly, I am empowering, loving, and acknowledging people.

None of this suggests that I am smiling all day, or avoiding conflict.  Love requires truth, perseverance, and commitment.  Sometimes love calls for me to be committed to speaking truth, even, as the old saying goes, the truth hurts.  My consideration is only the truth.  Trusting the truth is affirmation.  Trusting the truth, allows for true things to come of it.  I am free to decline truth when it does not harm others and I am acting honorably as I know it. For example, you might ask, I would decline to tell the truth about the potato salad at my friend’s mother’s house that the mother made, which is…that I didn’t like it because it had too many peas in it and was too salty, and otherwise bland…unless, of course, my friend asked me.  However, I would NOT tell the mother the truth, AT ALL!  I would do my best to stay honest, at the same time avoiding having to answer the question.  If asked if I liked the potato salad, I would say yes because I actually did like that she gave me potato salad…it was nice of her.  If she asked if it taste good, I might have said, “thanks so much, I really enjoyed myself!”  All THE TRUTH!  When in doubt, let it out…the truth does set you free.  The truth is affirmation.  Freedom is the ultimate affirmation.

So, how do we communicate in the affirmative without being fake and dishonest?

First, we commit to living in the affirmative.  We commit before we know how so that we do what is required for getting there.  It is not a think about it-done way of living.  If you have been living in a doubtful, fearful, closed, angry, disconnected way you might get to work at living in the affirmative for a while. Maybe even forever!

Whenever I mention forever, there is a disconnect.  Some people immediately assume they can’t do it if they have to work at it forever.  What they aren’t realizing is that they already have to work at being all the other ways they have been being.  The only difference is that they are more familiar with those ways of being.  They are comfortable there.  My offer is that just like we became familiar with those ways of being that we are comfortable working from: doubt, fear, anger, disconnect, that we can become comfortable working from the places of affirmation: love, truth, empowerment…freedom.

After we commit to living in the affirmative, we seek and connect to the things that will guide us toward affirming self first; for one that may be therapy, for another starting a long desired career.  We come to living in the affirmative by being conscious of other ways of being in our responses, actions, and thoughts…basically, our communication…with self and others.

In my English classes, I teach my students how to have “accountable talk” conversations.  These conversations call for the speakers to speak in reference to themselves.  For instance, instead of telling someone that I think their opinion about something is wrong, I would tell them that I disagree.  My disagreeing doesn’t mean that they are wrong, yet it satisfies my truth while it doesn’t negate the other persons opinion or perspective. Disagreeing is affirmation.

If what we say is what we manifest, and I believe it is, then we want to manifest in the affirmative.  Saying “I will not lose” is not the same as saying “I will win.”  “I will not lose” may manifest in my choosing not to play…then I can’t win or lose.  On the other hand, saying “I will win” becomes my declaration to play to win.

The bottom line of this all is, we create the experience we have in life and aid in the experiences of others.  We have a choice: create in the affirmative or in the negative. I choose the affirmative because I choose empowerment, possibility, acceptance and love.