Teach in the Affirmative
An educators' guild to Talk in the Affirmative in the Classroom.
THE ISSUE WITH "I LOVE YOU"
Although the following post originated as a message to teachers, I came to realize how much it applies to all relationships.
I recently had a conversation about
the phrase “I love you” in regards to teachers connecting with students. A friend said, “Some kids just need to hear
someone say I love you,” regarding what some students need in order to get them to want to listen and learn in school. It got me thinking about my students, and
then it got me thinking about my life. I
am clear that the effect of the phrase “I love you” to a child is dependent on
how a child is indoctrinated to receive the phrase. I know for a fact that many of my kids, as
well as I, had people in our lives tell us that they love us. For some children
“I love you” means: I nurture you, protect you, support you, provide for you,
and guide you. For others, it means: I
beat you when you annoy me, I yell at you for your curiosity, I abandon you
when I get tired, or I call you names when I am angry.
“I love you,” is subjective. Hence, the phrase is unclear. What may be more forwarding to a student than
“I love you” are phrases that are less subjective and provide more
insight. Phrases such as “I appreciate
you”, “I enjoy you”, “I respect you”, and “I am grateful for you” are esteem builders. These phrases, followed by a reason why you appreciate, enjoy, respect, or are grateful for the student forwards
the student by giving him or her information that may encourage them to develop
the trait or quality.
In no way am I saying that as teachers
we should not tell our students that we love them. I most certainly do tell my kids that I love
them. However, I establish a connection
with them first. They cannot comprehend
how someone who does not know them can love them. Nothing we say to them matters if at first we
have not established a connection.
I think your point is well articulated and I agree with it. I have another thought on the subject. What are other ramifications of telling a student you love them? While it may be meant innocently and to show the child that someone wants to make a connection and values them it may lead to trouble. There are students who need to hear it. That don't get it at home. But in this day and age unfortunately adults need to be careful. It can be misconstrued. It may cause concern with other teachers or principals, family members or school boards if discussed and repeated. Unfortunately there are many teachers who take advantage of their authority in the most horrendous ways that betray a child's trust. The word love may be seen as laying groundwork for that. There are so many opinions on inappropriate teacher/student behavior. Appreciate, enjoy, respect - those are strong, positive words with less controversial interpretations.
ReplyDeleteLaura, thank you for your comment! I have had this conern as well. However, I have decided that I will not let how I relate to my students be dicated by the actions of those who act inappropriately. If I continued to have this concern, I would have avoided teaching. I know there are risks of false accusations, but I trust that my intentions will be clear and well received. If not, I will deal with that bridge when I get to it. I follow where my spirit guides me in this regard. The reality though is that when I have told my students I love them, it has been as a class...because it is authentic for me. So, yes, this furthers the case for using words like "appreciate", "enjoy", "respect", etc.
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