What I meant to say was...

How often do you find yourself saying, What I meant to say was…?

Human beings don’t hear what you meant to say; 

we only hear what you said.

The best way for me to ensure that people understand me is to be clear in my communication; that means take a second, reach into the knowledge I have accumulated, and be intentional with the words I choose before I speak.  Now, the practice is automatic and quick, and people don’t usually notice that I'm thinking about what I'm going to say.  Regardless of whether they know I am thinking or not, my experience is that we all appreciate thoughtfulness. 

Since my first blog, I’ve been thinking a lot about a practical way to guide others to understand how to develop a habit of talking in the affirmative.  So, I ‘ve been intentionally listening to myself and paying attention to my communication habits, as well as observing and discussing other people’s communication habits.  What I discovered is that developing a habit of talking in the affirmative requires, first, that I am honest.  Regardless of the feelings that may arise, affirmative talk can only come from a willingness to say exactly how I feel about any situation.  I will communicate my feelings from a place of love and with as little judgment as possible, and I will be clear about my choice of words.  After committing to being honest, I commit to saying what I mean and meaning what I said.  What I need to fulfill this commitment is to accept my feelings, be honest in my communication, and choose to be loving, forgiving, considerate, accepting, open, and/or trusting when I am communicating.

Mean what you say, and say what you mean…or reflect on what you said that you didn’t mean.

I became clear about this part of the practice of talking in the affirmative after a discussion I had with a friend who described somewhere he spends a lot of time as a miserable fucking place.  When I questioned why it was miserable to him, he said that he didn’t mean miserable; he then went on to describe his feelings by saying, “it’s not that bad, it’s just that…” I interjected because, before he got off on a tangent, I wanted to focus him on his choice of words: a miserable fucking place.  Again he said he didn’t mean miserable.  However, after finally getting him to focus on the words he chose, he realized they were no accident.  He really did mean them.  He was afraid of being honest; fearing that it would make him sound ungrateful.  However, it was in his discovering that he did experience the place miserably that he was able to honestly reflect on why.  We discussed why, identified his part in the why, and enacted a declaration for him to be the difference by opening up in the space.  Resolution, peace, joy, trust and authenticity can only come from the willingness to be clear and intentional in one’s communication.

Talk in the affirmative: Say what you mean!